I SUCK as a Braces Buncher

I have gotten myself ready multiple times to send out letters, notes, ANYTHING.... some of you might even get one soon! But I just can't keep up and I am sorry. SO, because I don't want to give up, I am vowing to keep up with your birthdays...it is my New Year's resolution! I will also try to touch base whenever I can!

Happy Birthday to Becky, Kim & April - hope it's a great year!

Look for your birthday surprises in 2008!

Here we go...

Lupron and Dexamethasone tonight...holy shit.

I like this...

You Are The Sun

You represent the best of life - vitality, success, and and truth. You tend to have a strong, centered, balanced personality. Inspiration and discovery are your fortes. You are very mentally strong. A talented mind, you tend to excel at math, philosophy, and music. Your fortune: As well as you have done in the past, the future is going to be filled with more success. A new creative project is coming your way. Feed it, and it will grow into something huge. Great riches, recognition, prosperity, or happiness is coming your way. And it's possible that a fantastic vacation, or a new baby, is coming sooner than you think.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Binary Outcome

First of all, I owe a big and delayed THANK YOU to both JJ and Babyblues for the awesome CD's, they are in my car and soon to be loaded on my iPod...you girls really outdid yourself...and JJ, your voice is amazing. Thank you both again!

Next, we have decided to move forward with IVF...seems strange to type this....but I have also figured out a lot about myself over the last few weeks, mainly that I was feeling shy about blogging because I am superstitious and kept thinking that by blogging I might somehow be jinxing myself...which leads me to the recent discussion, errr fight I had with my husband about IVF. He is a math guy, focuses on statistics...he is in the finance business...I on the other hand, am a feeler, a guesser, a what iffer. Needless to say we are constantly finding ourselves in arguments over me worrying about everything related to getting pregnant - if what I eat will effect the outcome, if going to acu will help or hurt, you get the idea. I think he finally had it with me and looked me straight in the eyes and said this: "Babe, we are faced with binary outcomes, you will get pregnant or you will not - it will happen on our first try or it will not...there is nothing else we can do and nothing else to worry about!" At first I was so mad at him, how could he look at all of this so simplistically...but then, over time it started to sink in that he is right. IVF will either work for us or it won't, I will either get pregnant or I won't - I have to take everything one step at a time and deal with each result when it happens. No amount of worrying or second guessing is going to change the outcome.

My realization could not have come at a better time because we had our regroup meeting with the RE last week and now we have more decisions to make. She believes that there is a genetic component to our multiple miscarriages and would like us to do either PGS or CGH prior to transfer. What might you ask is CGH? We had the same question. Our clinic is working with Yale on using Comparative Genomic Hybridization to test all 23 chromosomes (vs. the 9 tested with PGS. Here are the other stats the gave us to ponder...bear with me, this gets technical!

PGS:
9 chromosomes are tested with the FISH technique.
There is a 10% chance of misdiagnosis.
While it is true that PGS can damage the embryo, it is also true that for patients like me, same age range with recurrent miscarriage, IVF success rates were seen around 33%, with PGS and IVF, success rates jumped to 66%
Cost: 5k

CGH:
All 23 chromosomes are tested
The process takes 2-4 weeks, so all embryos are frozen
The freezing technique used is vitrification, which results in a 95% successful thaw rate vs. 70% for traditional freezing.
Pregnancy rates are unknown as this is a new study, but it is doubtful they would be less than a regular FET.
Cost: 2k, no charge for FET. My doc believes this will be the way genetic screening will be done in the future and it will cost up to 10k because of the microchips needed for the test.

AND, all of this could go completely down the toilet if we only have a few embryos on day three...if this is the case we will transfer those and hold our breath!

So, what to do, what to do? I really would welcome any thoughts on this...

Realization

I just realized that for the minute I was pregnant last month it was during my 7th anniversary. I never imagined we would be married so long without children - I wonder where we will be for our 8th?

I have just seven weeks left until my holiday break at school, one whole month off and then only 15 weeks until I graduate. Unbelievable.

What's Next?

I really don't know and I really hate this. Part of me wants to dive into IVF in December, another part of me never wants to try it. I am scared to death it won't work and I am scared it will work and then something will go wrong.

The truth is, I am not sure that I will be able to blog about whatever we decide. I love to check in with you all but for some reason I am feeling blog shy...I don't know why, but it is a strange and overwhelming feeling.

I promise to let you know what we decide, and maybe my craziness will subside...but in the meantime, I wish you well and I will pray for positives.

I always loved the song I Believe in You by Don Williams...I never really listened to all of the lyrics until today and while a few of them are a bit strange, I will leave you with this for now...

"I believe in love, I believe in babies.... I believe in mom and dad and I believe in you!"

Chemical

Beta sucked. I hate this shit. It is funny, I knew the second I was pregnant and again the second I wasn't...it never gets any easier. Off for a good cry and then to write a paper on the birth I assisted with the other day...joy.

Hmmmm

So, today is CD 29, yesterday I missed my period. I tested on Sunday, I tested on Monday and today, the digital said pregnant. Of course I couldn't leave well enough alone and tested again this afternoon...NOT pregnant. I am off to my RE's office tomorrow am for an hCG. Of course I have so much hope, unfortunately I have no symptoms.

September

I really can't believe it is September...there is a chill in the air tonight and while I am thrilled to have the hot summer behind us, I am just overwhelmed by how quickly time goes by. I will be 32 in November which feels very old to me - 31 has been a breeze, but adding that extra number just feels odd, aren't 32 year-olds ancient? I don't feel ancient, I still feel 27! Ah well, not much I can do to avoid it...but still!

The last few months have been filled with ups and downs. Nursing school is incredible, I am learning an amazing amount and also discovering what I want to specialize in after graduation. I actually met a nurse the other day who had worked at my fertility clinic, we had a very interesting conversation about the clinic and how she felt about working there. I found it very interesting, that even after knowing I was a patient, she said that it was a challenging job because every patient is "just a little bit crazy." NO SHIT! I will say, beside that comment, she actually was very helpful and insightful about the clinic and the process. Oh, and did I forget to mention that starting last Monday I began my 5 wk OB rotation for school...I can honestly barely handle the lecture and am actually scared and feeling somewhat phyically ill about my first clinical day on Thursday - my first assignment, L & D!!!

In the blur of nursing school I have not been able to be the perfect eater/exerciser/nondrinker that I set out to be...I have not idea what I weigh and have not been on my vitamins regularly. I am trying to keep my act together, but am only succeeding about 50% of the time.

We tried again in early August. I actually purchased the conception kit and we give it a whirl - unfortunately it didn't work and I actually started my period 2 days early...ugh. I am really not sure how I feel about it...the idea is ingenious, but when you really dig into the packaging, I feel kike you could get 90% of the supplies from your local T*rget. Also, attempting to place the cervical cap (or whatever they call it) over the cervix while it is filled with sperm is NO easy task! I think I ovulated sometime last week but missed it with the predictor kit, we went ahead and had plain old intercourse around what we hoped was the approximate timing, but I am sure it will be a bust as we didn't even have the chance to use Mucin*x. I have two more months of conception kit supplies, just not sure if we will give them another go or not...

Finally, we have been going back and forth about whether or not to try and do IVF in December. I have to contact our IVF nurse to speak about scheduling and whether or not it will work with my school schedule. If we decide to wait, I will have IVF in April/May08 unless we get lucky trying naturally!

Not much else is happening here except for everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) I know is either pregnant or have decided to start trying....trying not to think about it too much but devastated every time I do.

I know there has been some really great news and some really tough news out there in blogland...am thinking of you always and hoping all the best for you!

More as life develops.....

Oh, if you want to check out the conception kit, look here:http://www.conceptionkit.com/

So Not Pregnant

So, we are supposed to start trying again in August...but, I last month we were up in the mountains, having a good time, saw some cervical mucous and decided to try the "relax and it will happen" method....ha ha ha. So...back to the drawing board!

I have 4 more weeks of school and then get a one week break. I am headed to Branson, MO with my family and am looking forward to not doing much of anything besides swimming in the lake and reading Harry Potter!!

I am still checking in on all of you and am hoping for the best! If I EVER have anything to report, you will be the first to know!

Nada Mucho

Not much to report lately! I think I found something to send out to The Braces Bunch, now I just have to find the time to get it done!

This is just an insane week. I have a paper due on Tuesday and two exams on Wednesday, overwhelmed seems like an understatement...

Diet is going much better, although family in town this weekend has derailed me just a bit. I am sorry, but who can resist homemade coconut cream pie? I cut a sliver and thoroughly enjoyed it.

These weekends are always bitter sweet as my brother and sister in law bring their baby. He is 9mo now and could NOT be cuter. So well behaved, so perfect. I realized the other night it has been almost two years since my first miscarriage. It is hard for me to fathom.

As soon as I come up for air and can get the timing right I am going to schedule my Doppler ultrasound and my mock transfer, just in case we make a go of things in December. Other than that, I am on hold and it is starting to take it's toll on me. At first I didn't realize it, but had a breakdown the other night out of nowhere...ahhh, fertility issues...joy.

My best to you all!

Second Verse, Same as the First

So, things have been a little nuts. Thanks Janel for checking in on me and to fellow members of the braces bunch, I promise to get something in the mail soon and I have loved getting all of yours! They are in my bedside table drawer and warm my heart every time I look at them!

So, where have I been? I started my nursing program on May 5th and what can I say but wow! It is very difficult but I am loving it!

I have been doing a crap job of getting myself more healthy, but I am resolving to get my act together slowly but surely. I am still working on my diet and it is definitely a struggle but getting better every day. My weight is still fluctuating and hopefully I will get my ticker working again!

On the TTC front, we are going to start trying naturally again sometime in the next few months and then may or may not pursue IVF in the winter or maybe spring...we are having a hard time making that decision just yet!

So, I am sorry that I have not had to much to say lately, but I am following and hoping for all the best for you!

I am WEAK!

So I have been doing REALLY good.

Examples:
Mexican restaurant with friends - no margs and a grilled fish taco.
Working out almost everyday
No Caffeine

So on Saturday night when I met my girlfriends I had every intention of keeping it up...then it turned into a dance party, with cosmos. Long story short, I fell off the wagon and onto the dance floor, but it was so fun, I felt like a kid again...or at least a 21 year old. The debauchery continued on Sunday when I went for coffee (at least it was decaf) to help my headache.

I was really depressed and pissed at myself on Sunday, kept berating my actions. The good news is that instead of deciding that all was ruined because of my indiscretions, I jumped back into my health kick on Monday(this is new for me, usually if I screw up, I just keep getting worse). I keep reminding myself that I am using April to get used to all of these changes and that I still have time to really make a difference in my body and hopefully in my reproductive health.

So...here I go again!

Oh my...

So it turns out the recommendations listed in The Infertility Cure are plentiful. I have made my list and my husbands list, this in not going to be a cheap trip to the vitamin store!

Here is my list:
Fish oil/Omega 3
Flax seed
Royal Jelly
Blue green algae
Wheat grass/Barley Grass
Co-enzyme Q10
Seaweed
PABA
Evening Primrose Oil
L-arginine
Pine bark extract
Red wine extract (I'd rather have the wine!)
Grape seed extract
Bilberry extract

Hoping to start introducing these into my diet May 1 - my acupuncturist says I will see the difference in my skin and hair too, we shall see!

So Long, Farewell, Alvederzein, GoodBYE...

Caffeine! I am so sad, I had my last Americano yesterday and threw in a Chai Latte for good measure in the afternoon. The only caffeine I will see in a while is from Fer.tili.tea - which I don't think is that much anyway! I actually drank the stuff last August and September and got pregnant naturally in October (chemical) but it still gives me hope that it helps!

Next steps: Cleanse/Fast - We are starting a 15 day cleanse tomorrow which will be followed by a 3-day fast. I know that these are controversial, but I have had so many people recommend it, I am going to give it a try.

Supplements - I almost have my list for J and I complete. After the fast we will begin - I will post the list once I get it finished, so far, it doesn't look like too much thank goodness!

What's With the Fish?

Well, starting on Tuesday, April 23rd, I went alcohol free...no more drinking like a...you guessed it! I am also going caffeine free starting Monday, but I don't think that is quite as difficult! We are not huge drinkers, but I do love my glass of wine or two in the evening...so, I thought it would be fun to watch the days tick away to December, when I am tentatively scheduled for IVF...

I am allowing myself four drinks at a wedding in May, but other than that, December 1st will mark 7mo, three weeks and 6 days alcohol free, plus hopefully another 10 months after that :)

Following this Traditional Chinese Medicine plan is not going to be easy, but I am going to do my best! So far so good, at least my weight went in the right direction last week. I am going to weigh in every Thursday and track my progress. Plus, will probably post on other parts of the program I am implementing. My hope is to be almost 100% compliant by May - wish me luck, I don't think I have ever been 100% compliant with anything!

Fat Happens

Unbelievable! I set my weight loss goal for 30lbs, which I thought would put me at the weight I was when I got married, around 150 (I am 5'11"). Then I got on the scale and realized I was not the 183 I had held onto for the past few years, but 191!! The blessing and curse of being tall is that I can gain 10 lbs and not really know it.

So, goal stays at 30lbs, new goal weight 160...oh well!

The TRUE Fertile Effort

Since I won't we trying to conceive for a few months, I decided that once and for all I would make some positive changes in my life...for my health. I have done it all, a little acupuncture here, a little wheat grass there, but I have never fully committed myself to a regimen. Well, in the footsteps of Julia Indichova, the author of Inconceivable I am going to do my best and go balls out.

I am spending this week getting my plan of action together and hope that if I journal here, I might actually do it! I am not sure if anyone is still reading, but if anyone is interested in buddying up, I would love the company.

Moving on...

to IVF. Not sure exactly when, but will be with the next year. Genetic testing, AMH(?), Doppler Ultrasound to be completed in the next few months...and I will begin nursing school in May. If for any reason I can't complete the program they will let me finish with another cohort and, if I have never mentioned how much I love my doctor...here is why:

I received the following email from her a few days ago...discussing that we will most likely do IVF during a one month break I have - transfer in the 1st week of break and then have 3 weeks to relax as necessary.

"Waiting will not in any way affect your chances. I personally would like to see you finish the program since you will be a fantastic nurse and hopefully may consider doing infertility."

Yep, love her, love her, love her and considering they are a top clinic in the nation...also have a lot of faith in her.

Anyway, it might be a mistake and it might not, but it is the best decision for us, right now.

Will most likely be checking in on the rest of and new cycle sista's, but will post if I have any updates.

My best wishes to you all!

BFN and Questions!

Ok, I know I am a bad blogger...but I have a plea to anyone who might still be reading...my IUI #2 was a BFN and now the questions begin. You see, because I never thought it would take me this long to get pregnant, I never thought I would have this decision to make. A while back I was accepted into an accelerated nursing program that lasts one year. I have been thinking of doing this for quite sometime, in fact, I didn't start the program last year because I had just found out I was pregnant...oops.

Anyway, I have a regroup meeting with my RE on Monday to ask her questions...but if we are facing IVF I would really like to hear from people who have gone through it as to what kind of time commitment I am looking at. School is basically like a full time job, so it is not like 100 hours a week or anything but I am just so torn. If I go, at least I will be moving forward with something in my life...I am just scared I will be risking not getting pregnant again...of course I could not go and still not get pregnant. The program starts in May, I will be 32 in November, which is something else to consider.

Any and all thoughts will be greatly appreciated....by both me and my sanity!

What's New?

I am not good at blogging, I love reading them...but I always forget to update. It is great to get my thoughts out there, but sometimes it is overwhelming...

So...as the title would suggest, here's the latest:
- J's grandfather diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer, given 2ww to 6mo to live.
- House almost completed, now we have to buy furniture.
- CD 27, trying to wait to test until Saturday
- SIL with 6mo old has announced they will start trying again soon, she got pregnant on her first try.
- Think we may be taking a break if this cycle is a bust.

More next week!

I am being eaten by my house!

Yeah right, "there really isn't that much to do with this great old house, just a few things here or there"...HAH! Seriously, I can't believe how much there is to do and how much time and energy this is all taking...luckily, I am so excited for the final product that I am not getting too down about it. If it is ever finished, I will post some pics.

On the fertility front, I am waiting for my cycle to start...should be around the 3rd. I did email my RE's office about stim meds vs clomid and they gave me the go ahead if my cyst is gone, but it costs about 4x as much - ugh. J and I need to discuss.

Will update more soon I hope, am off to purchase front porch lights for the house...the excitement continues!

Away From the Edge & Back Again

Warning...potentially long and rambling post ahead!

I hope that what I am about to say comes across right...if it doesn't, please know that I meant it to. My failed IUI followed by cyst was ridiculously hard on me - I am not sure why, but it depressed me more than anything has yet. I don't know if it is because I truly believed it would work or what, but it left me in bad shape. However, then I think about the girls out there that have just had the umpteenth IVF cycle fail and I start to wonder where I get off being so depressed about a measly IUI...anyway, it leads to all sorts of crazy feelings for me. Since there is no IUI for me this month, we did it the old fashioned way (with the addition of Mucinex as we both seem to be a bit "thick" in the mucus dept.). I got my LH surge on Wednesday at 8am - I had decided that this month we would try the SMEP so we will see what happens.

I also have a question for all of you out there. I know that Clomid works for many, but reading through blogs it sure seems as though injectables lead to more +'s? Any thoughts on this? Has anyone moved from IUI to IVF after injectables caused too many eggs to be produced? I am just looking for options. My acupuncturist is anti-clomid and she has got me thinking....

Finally, on the my rambling thoughts of the day. What many might not know about me is that I barely escaped the white trash gene that runs in my family - and although it does come out once in a while, I have managed to keep it fairly well suppressed for most of my life. My mother and father divorced when I was two and this seems to be what saved me. I love my dad, but he is a strange and selfish man. After the divorce, he married a women 10 years his junior and they proceeded to have three children (interesting because he would later tell me that having children was one of his biggest mistakes - huh?) Anyway, my two half brothers and sister are just a bit off...and my little sister (19) just had a baby this summer. The father is 16 and they now live with my stepmother (she and my father also divorced about two years ago). This pregnancy was very hard on me and I was unable to go to her shower but did buy her a very nice stroller to which she never thanked me for. I heard through the family grapevine that she had given birth to a healthy boy but never heard from her. Now about six months later she emails me to see if I have a myspace account because she has posted pics of her son...big mistake for me to look...first of all it is posted that she and her soon to be husband are open to new ideas and new people and are willing to try most anything...then it goes on to show pictures of her myspace friends, many who are under 21 - visibly pregnant, partying and smoking....GRRR...it really pissed me off!

So, here I am, 31, followed all the rules, drinking green tea and this is my luck....pity party here I come!

On a lighter note, it took my mom almost 9 years to get pregnant and the month she did she was eating copious amounts of Knox Gelatin based on the recommendation of the school secretary...she has told me this for years and I always secretly rolled my eyes...well, guess what I have been eating a lot of lately? You guessed it, I mean, it can't hurt right?

Cyst Anyone?

Well, it's over...my cycle started Friday night. Then I got to start out my week with the wonderful news that I have a cyst from the f*cking Clomid and will be sitting out this month and presumably more if the sucker doesn't go away. I am now determined to give it everything I've got and get pregnant again on my own this month. I really love my clinic, but today just makes me want to scream, "I will do this on my own, I don't need or want your help!" only not quite that polite :) This is so frustrating and my emotions are all over the place...sitting out a cycle makes me feel desperate and the desperation makes me burst into tears...it is a vicious cycle.

Do any of you know if injectables can cause cysts like Clomid can? I would really like to try something different if I can...any advice would be greatly appreciated...I am getting ready to script an email to my RE now...

Also, if you have any inspiring (& nauseating) stories of women with cysts who got pregnant on a break cycle, I would love to hear them...thanks for listening!

Blech!

This is how I feel today. CD 30, no cycle, no BFP, wtf? I don't feel pregnant, although I really did feel pregnant during the 2ww, crazy symptoms...so, now I really don't know what to think.

Did Clomid lengthen any of your cycles?