Friday, January 19, 2007

Away From the Edge & Back Again

Warning...potentially long and rambling post ahead!

I hope that what I am about to say comes across right...if it doesn't, please know that I meant it to. My failed IUI followed by cyst was ridiculously hard on me - I am not sure why, but it depressed me more than anything has yet. I don't know if it is because I truly believed it would work or what, but it left me in bad shape. However, then I think about the girls out there that have just had the umpteenth IVF cycle fail and I start to wonder where I get off being so depressed about a measly IUI...anyway, it leads to all sorts of crazy feelings for me. Since there is no IUI for me this month, we did it the old fashioned way (with the addition of Mucinex as we both seem to be a bit "thick" in the mucus dept.). I got my LH surge on Wednesday at 8am - I had decided that this month we would try the SMEP so we will see what happens.

I also have a question for all of you out there. I know that Clomid works for many, but reading through blogs it sure seems as though injectables lead to more +'s? Any thoughts on this? Has anyone moved from IUI to IVF after injectables caused too many eggs to be produced? I am just looking for options. My acupuncturist is anti-clomid and she has got me thinking....

Finally, on the my rambling thoughts of the day. What many might not know about me is that I barely escaped the white trash gene that runs in my family - and although it does come out once in a while, I have managed to keep it fairly well suppressed for most of my life. My mother and father divorced when I was two and this seems to be what saved me. I love my dad, but he is a strange and selfish man. After the divorce, he married a women 10 years his junior and they proceeded to have three children (interesting because he would later tell me that having children was one of his biggest mistakes - huh?) Anyway, my two half brothers and sister are just a bit off...and my little sister (19) just had a baby this summer. The father is 16 and they now live with my stepmother (she and my father also divorced about two years ago). This pregnancy was very hard on me and I was unable to go to her shower but did buy her a very nice stroller to which she never thanked me for. I heard through the family grapevine that she had given birth to a healthy boy but never heard from her. Now about six months later she emails me to see if I have a myspace account because she has posted pics of her son...big mistake for me to look...first of all it is posted that she and her soon to be husband are open to new ideas and new people and are willing to try most anything...then it goes on to show pictures of her myspace friends, many who are under 21 - visibly pregnant, partying and really pissed me off!

So, here I am, 31, followed all the rules, drinking green tea and this is my luck....pity party here I come!

On a lighter note, it took my mom almost 9 years to get pregnant and the month she did she was eating copious amounts of Knox Gelatin based on the recommendation of the school secretary...she has told me this for years and I always secretly rolled my eyes...well, guess what I have been eating a lot of lately? You guessed it, I mean, it can't hurt right?


Heather said...

Ah, yes. Comparative Pain. Your pain is valid and real. Please don't pass it off as invalid because it is ONLY an IUI and not IVF. It still hurts. You are where you are and the feelings are real. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I wish I could ease the pain...

Yeah, it is hard to see pregnant woman who are mature and responsible. I can't imagine seeing kids pregnant while smoking and partying - that is too much for me to handle.

Inglewood said...

Totally agree with Heather in the pain department. Your feelings are valid, the disappointment is as real.

I hated clomid. I had hot flashes and then while on clomid I was so hot all the time I had what I called 'normal flashes'. My acupuncturist hated clomid as well. I had 2 chemical pregnancies on clomid, when we switched to injectibles & IUI, got pregnant. Plus the hot flashes, or constant hot state disappeared. Even while on suppression.

Best of luck to you, try not to compare your feelings to others. We are all on our own emotional journey that is just as valid as the next person's.

Carey said...

I hate clomid. My vote is always to go with injectibles!!

Baby Blues said...

I agree with Heather. Whether you do IUI, IVF, monitored cycle or natural, the point is, we WANT to get pregnant BADLY and a BFN is disappointing and frustrating, anyway you look at it.

Doctors usually start off with Clomid and see how you respond to it. If you don't respond, that's when they go up the next level and do injectables. Discuss it with your doctor if you should go one step higher.

Best of luck!